Experiencing God's love in my marriage
(The English version of my testimony)

I come from a very traditional Christian family. Both my parents are active church members and all of our siblings attended Sunday school at a very young age. We were asked to memorize bible verses through out our Sunday school era.

In 1998, I got married to a man whom I believed it was the right man from God. We lived happily though we were not rich. We struggled for years to make our life by setting up a preschool in Klang. My husband always said: “This school is the promise land from God”. Within few years, it was well known and we even had a branch. Our student numbers reached a hundred.

I gave birth to two precious children within 5 years. Both children are blessings from God.

In our complacency, we started to be cold with God. Though we were still going to church every Sunday, our hearts and commitment were way out from God. We were only paying lip service.

At the end of 2004, my husband changed. He was always out at night till midnight and turned off his hand phone. His actions made me suspicious. One night before he slept, he told me that he only treated me as his business partner and not his wife. He has never loved me before. My heart sank and from there, I started to have sleepless nights. I was so insecure and always cried in pain.

Before long, he moved out from our house and slept in his office. I suggested marriage counseling in order to remedy our marriage. However it didn’t work. One day, I found a lot of sms in his handphone from a woman whom I also knew. My world collapsed. I didn’t know what was to be my future? I was so puzzled. All my dreams were gone instantly. Truly I was in tears every day and night.

My counselor told me to fix my eyes on Jesus. Only He can bring me through this crisis. But practically how should I turn my eyes to Jesus? Did it mean looking at Jesus’s photo day and night? Yeah, I might look at His photo but my mind was attacked by lots of negative thoughts. My husband betrayed me even though I loved him so much.

One day in March 2005, my husband took me to his good lawyer friend's office to have lunch with him. It was a trap. He asked his lawyer friend to prepare a divorce agreement by consent for me to sign. I didn’t sign and left the place in tears. That day, I drove my car aimlessly for hours. Where should I go? Through out my marriage, most of my friends are my husband’s friends too. I dared not even see them because I didn’t want more gossips about my marriage. Deep in my heart, I wanted to save this marriage because I have made a vow before God to love this man till death do us part.

God sent me a prayer warrior in May 2005. She had been praying with me every moment I was down. She taught me to memorize bible verses and internalize the verse in my heart. She brought me to a very caring church. In almost all our church service especially during worship time, I wept and wept. God started to heal my whole being.

In July 2005, my husband moved out from our home with our daughter. I was not informed at all. My mother in law sometimes would bring back Pearson to sleep with me at night in our house. Sometimes, I was home alone.

I shared my condition with my counselor. She suggested for me to pray for direction and tried to apply for custody of these two children. At the same time, I prayed for the opportunity to take back the two children and to look after them myself.

One evening, God told me to sms my husband to request to see my daughter whom I had been separated from for nearly a month. Initially my husband was reluctant to let me meet up with her. After few requests, he consented. I took this opportunity to take Phoebe and also Pearson back to my home town that very day because this was my only choice to have them beside me. We stayed in my home town for 10 weeks. During these 10 weeks stay, I always encouraged them to call their father and invited him to join us. At the same time, I prepared them with lots of prayers and Bible words. I thank God for these three months for me to share with them my full love and my value of keeping this marriage.

I flew back from home town with the two children in Oct 2005. Without difficulties, the judge in KL Court granted me my children’s custody. Every alternate weekend, the two children will be back with their father. I was happy with this arrangement because I truly believed the children need to receive love from both parents.

In Feb and Apr 2006, my husband violated the law by not returning the children to me after his time with them. He asked my daughter to call me and tell me that she wanted to stay with her daddy. I filed contempt in court.

The hearing was fixed in May 2006. The judge interviewed the children. They were screaming and shouting in the judge’s office. My girl wanted to stay with daddy but my boy wanted to stay with me. But both of them also wanted to be together. The judge intended to split up the custody of these two children. My girl will follow daddy and my boy to follow me. During that very crucial moment, I stopped her because I felt God told me to let go. A story about King Solomon with the two servant girls fighting for a baby boy came vividly into my mind. Solomon asked the child to be cut into half. The real mother decided to let go as she loved him so much she couldn’t bear him to be hurt. Solomon then gave the child to his real mother. I can’t afford to separate my two precious children from each other’s company. They are the victims of my marriage. I decided to give away my custody but I requested to have alternate weekend access to the two children. This decision was not made easily because I might risk not seeing them for life as advised by my lawyer.

Sad to say that from May 06 onwards, the two children did not spend time with me as per the court order. My husband deliberately taught them to call me and tell me that they were too busy with their school work, tuition, dance class, speech and drama class and lots of other activities. Thus they can’t spare any weekend time with me.

How can I forgive a man who has betrayed me and also taken away my children from me?

With God, everything is possible. I told God I don’t know how to forgive a man like my husband. Please help me to forgive him the way Jesus forgave the one whom betrayed Him and even crucified Him. Amazingly, the moment I made this prayer in my heart, God gradually removed the hurt and pain in my heart especially towards my husband and even his family members. Now, I can sleep well and eat well. Everybody says I look younger than before.

Though I lost everything including my home, my family, my children and my career, I knew very well that my God had never deserted me. Now, nothing in our life is permanent and unchangeable. Only God is faithful, He has never changed. From young till now, He has always been with me. His love for me is everlasting. Every moment I cry to Him, He is there to comfort me. My God is my only source of strength and hope for the future.

I truly give thanks to my parents for letting me know God in my very young age. They build me up in God’s word all throughout my childhood life. These bible verses brought life to me in my difficult times especially PS 23. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. Truly, I have never been lacking anything in my life. God has sent right people in the right time in my life to encourage me, to help me and to pray for me. Though I have lost one of my beloved, I have gained lots of love from my own family members including my parents who have supported me in prayer and in finances, my two sisters and my brother and his wife and so many extended family in the many brothers and sisters in Christ. They have fought my battle together with me. I am showered with lots of affirmation, loving gifts and hugs.

On 30 Nov 2007, I went back to court for contempt against my husband because of deliberately influencing my children to not spend time with me. Under normal circumstances, it is impossible to prove him guilty and I have no way of seeing my children again. The judge instructed to interview the two children at 4pm on that day. This is a new judge who had just started working for a few months. Lots of prayers have been sent out to pastors and cell leaders and ministry leaders. Everybody stood in the gap to pray with me at that time. Some of them even fasted with me together.

The judge interviewed the children at 4pm. Both children insisted that they didn’t want mummy because mummy would hide them in Sarawak and they would never see their father again. The two children inherited lots of anger and hatred against me. The moment they saw me, they screamed and shouted again. The judge got a shock to see their reaction towards me. She put them in a playroom and let me spend some time with them. My boy cooled down to entertain me. My girl was very skeptical. Eventually, my lawyers managed to persuade the judge to let the children stay with me for the school holidays. Praise the Lord, the judge agreed.

The moment the judge informed the two children of her decision, my girl screamed in front of the judge. She showed no respect for the judge and took up her hand phone and called her father. The judge started to doubt her decision. She asked me to stay out and she wanted to talk to my husband personally. My heart sank again. My mouth kept saying;”Help me God, only You God can help me… please Lord help me…” After interviewing my husband, the judge called the lawyers from both parties to enter her room for the final order. I stayed outside. My heart cried for God’s help. If I failed again, I would have an even slimmer chance of seeing my children again.

After much discussion, Yang Arif firmly announced to everybody that the two children have to follow their mother for a one month holiday irregardless of their cries. They were considered under aged and as such had no right to make their own decision. She even instructed my husband and his lawyer to leave the court room immediately. Praise God for preparing a firm judge for the hearing.

What should I say? I knew I have won this battle because my God has fought this battle for me. He is faithful to the one He loves. He loves me from beginning till now. He loves everyone who stood beside praying and crying with me too.

I have spent quality time with my children in that one month holiday. Later, the judge made another order for me to spend time with my children every weekend once school reopens.

What seems impossible to man is possible to God. He is God. Nothing is too difficult to HIM. As long as we put our trust to Him, He will never fail us.

Life is constant challenging... The battle is over. Restoration of relationship, rebuilding the trust that has lost between both of us... All these are only possible only when we humble ourselves to forgive one and another... it is not easy but with prayer, I believe it will be done. Amen.